Memories of Megabits Past.

[insert thing here] was better in when I was younger. Aspects of all walks of life, be it music, television and even film are all pale imitations of what they used to be. If there ever was a universal truth, it’s that whatever specific era you grew up in was the pinnacle of human existence.

You might say it’s stupid to live life through such myopic lenses but it’s true. It won’t be long now before time marches on and we’re all sat in the pub with one fella decrying that football was better in his day. “Real men, not like these nancies you get today” he’d mutter, following it up with how Suarez never ever dived and Ronaldo never cried. He’ll be unapologetic and speak without irony. Only then will the cycle be complete.

Hyberbole upon melodrama withstanding, there is one thing that will never not be rose tinted. The nineties brought with it so many advances in the important area known as procrastination and so it’s only fair we give props to one of it’s very best offerings. Growing up as the home computer became the console and started a divide that made the war on drugs look like England vs Zanzibar. It’s been diluted somewhat over the years (in my day etc..) but there was something magical about zooming around with a blue hedgehog or jumping on lizards via a plumber. Whether you were scoring double perfects or flawlessly victorious, the explosion of “home entertainment systems” is one of the building blocks to so many of us. With that in mind, let’s raise a glass to a few of the moments we’ve all shared, without ever being in the same room.

Rainbow Road

MarioKart

In all honesty, this entire game could go into this section. 8 player Micro Machines is the only “oh my god I hate *all* of my friends” experience that comes close. But that’s another console evolution away. The OG Mario Kart is still a God among men and no racing level before or since has induced as much trauma as Rainbow Road the first. As was always the case with this generation of games, whoever was in the studio making the soundtrack absolutely murdered it; much in the same way the level itself will kill you. There have been countless knock offs – even within the world of Mario – but this track set the bar and has yet to be surpassed.

NBA Jam

NBAJam

Three words that left an indelible mark on anyone who played. “He’s on fire”.

Death Egg

DeathEgg

Metal Sonic is much the harder fight, which kind of plays into the tension after you finally defeat him. Mentally and physically you’re exhausted but when Old Robbers does another runner and this time you’re able to follow, quite simply you must. Catching up to him and watching as he disappears into *that* machine. Then SEGA ruin everyone with *that* music. Gaming perfection (and all the more satisfying when you do eventually beat him).

 

Echo The Dolphin

Echo

Fuck this porpoise bastard. Dark Souls my arse. The hardest game ever.

Fatality

MK

Remember when politicians decided that the best way to prevent the world from how morally bankrupt they were was to jump on a bullshit cause? What do you mean that’s still the case? Nothing stirs a child’s heart quite like the phrase “Not suitable for kids” and when Mortal Kombat was ported from the arcade there was as much of a rush from the general population to see it as there was from awful human beings to deny it. Bollocks are you censoring Kano’s finisher though. It was legitimately the only good thing about him.

Lemmings

Lemmings

Was great to begin with but has a game ever had a stiffer learning curve? By the time you get anywhere near the end, not only do you want them all to die but first of all there has to be a headstone for your own grave that reads “Oh no more lemmings”.

Mega Games 1.

MG1

Columns! Italia 90! The other one!

Meeting Bison

Bison

Give me the dentist. I’ll strap myself in that chair and we’ll rock some teeth out without anaesthetic. Just don’t you dare let that bastard use that horrendous kick move that isn’t even the Psycho Crusher. If ever a MIDI soundtrack could ever put the fear of God into you it was this. No one moment encapsulates the joy of childhood as hearing the cries of a fallen Shadaloo lord. We all knew of the Japanese/Western character name swap, but the M in M. Bison stood for something else entirely.

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